The Special Two

Picture me - doing seven on the treadmill (that's a slow jog), the wed after the long weekend (30 hours out, 16 of them at Manacle), tired but happy and staring at the large screen playing MTV video clips - then it comes on.

The Special Two - the live version. Although it is not as good as the studio version, with that heart-wrenching clip, and that perfect soul-breaking sound, I am f**ked. It hits me like an anvil - the love, the desperation, the "bleeding" romance, the GOD-DAMN-DRAMA of it all. And I am taken back three years or so, or even longer, maybe even to the time of Ani Difranco (what a fucking dyke stereotype!) Back to the times when everything was overwhelming and strange, life was unfolding, drugs were new, we went to rallies, we got way too drunk and did really crazy shit. There were so many parties, and wandering through the streets singing.

Anyway.

Regardless of her status (I am still dublious about any claims that she is actually a lesbian - Melbourne is full of deceptively gay-looking straight people) Missy Higgins has this thing.

I'm not what it is, but it's something about being in the prime of your emotional life, still full of passion and marvelous hurt. Not cynical and good-hunmoured like us gay trash-bags.

Give me a pill, a bag of go, twelve of so beers, and a good dj line-up and you can have your bleeding hearts, your soul-shaking passions, your intense and private one-on-one struggles.

But as I notice one little tear drop from my eyes (which are glued to the over-sized screen) and fall onto my sneakers, I thank Missy Higgins in my head for reminding me - I am not dead to emotion, I alive to music.

Happy Birthday Manacle!

Today

Was like no other day. You must have seen me. Ripping up the floor, like I was on fire. Like there was a hurricane of happiness inside. Happy birthday Manacle! Two years old! With hired lights and smoke machine, turning the clubbing into a party. Mike Kelly – my favourite Manacle DJ – played his best set ever, and I worshipped. Pumping and throwing my hands to the sky. For songs like “Killing in the name of” (remixed of course, and better than ever), and Basement Jacks and La La Land and so much more.

He played, we danced and he looked at us and we looked at him and we smiled. Everyone smiled the biggest smiles I’ve ever seen. And everyone was so friendly and happy. Me and Rachel and Dave talked to everyone. People with all manner of different stories to tell. People I have served a hundred times and now came to know and talk to as friends.

Martin, who is Danish and fighting for a visa to work in Australia, (which he has grown to love) asking in that gorgeous accent, shiny tatooed back glistening with sweat, friendly smile from ear to ear, “Who will accept me? I am not legal”.

Carisma – the drag queen who “doesn’t perform” and wants to be a stylist – tells me she was thrown out of home at 17 and lived on the streets for a year. And now she makes her own earrings and is terribly proud of herself for "having survived and still being a nice person".

I never felt so shiny and amazing, but insignificant at the same time. Part of something fabulous. A trembling word of hits and misses, triumphs and tragedies – shamelessly unfolding under one roof. So many faces open and interested – who are you? You are beautiful! You are fabulous! Isn’t it fabulous! Aren’t we fabulous!

And sharing. No end to the sharing. Drinks, ciggarettes, secret exhaltation for the music. Sharing drugs beacuse you want every stranger to feel as good as you feel.

And together to make up a sea of writhing, chatting, drinking, dancing, smiling bodies!

I hardly took any drugs tonight, less than a quarter of my usual “big night” amount. And yet at times I felt so over-come with joy for humanity and for music, and for the way my body could move, that I simply jumped up and down with it. Huge grin, eyes sparkling. Mike Kelly thanked me.

I will never forget today. I am lucky to have experienced it.

Happiest

Happiest

Happiest at the moment. Only unpleased when feeling like I am not in the right place at the right time, or not doing what I should be doing. If I don’t go to the gym for a week and feel as though I’ve wasted the money, for example.

If I teach a tut and feel like I could have done it better, time ran out, etc.

They are silly reasons to be unhappy or displeased or stressed. Silly mostly capitalist reasons.

Stuff is right, moving in a direction I am happy with. Teaching is very rewarding but still a little demanding. I am already looking forward to a time when I don’t have to do it and can just focus on the thesis.

Next semester will be a time for really getting started on textual analysis of Chemical Palace, writing or tweeking some papers for publication and starting to think about how the thesis will look – chapters, etc. Only got two years to write it!

Should also consider a trip overseas or interstate to present at another conference. Must also start putting together an academic CV - now that I've done stuff!

My brother Jay just got married to his G.F, Greer. It was a lovely wedding and I really enjoyed it with Jorja. Mum found out about Marnie trying to sneak out for the Mardi Gras and the whole gay thing is all coming out (pardon the pun). Must organise some kind of event with mum and Marnie to talk about it all.

There’s an all ages Bug Girl gig this Sunday at the Arncliff Hotel at 1pm – 6pm. Maybe I’ll see if Marnie wants to come to that with Lil Rachel and stuff.

Jorja is very stressed about some stuff with her parents. I’m not sure how to help or even if I can.

We are planning to change the bedroom around and decorate it a bit this weekend. Mostly because I complained that it was not at all like home to me. It feels temporary and it shouldn’t.

I was talking to Jorja about making your own life away from your birth family. Making a new family of your own, a shift in focus, and how that can free you from much of the baggage they heap on you. She said that I am her family. It was am amazing moment for me – for us. I am still so in love. I fall in love again and again.

Another beautiful thing was that at the wedding she came up to me when I was looking out to sea. She said that it was a beautiful wedding and asked if I felt bad that I didn’t get to have that. She sort of said sorry for denying me that. It was so sweet.

Of course it’s hard not having that family acceptance and pride in your relationship but I wouldn’t change anything. And you never know, maybe they could understand my relationship one day too.

Liz an Zac are pretty cute at the moment.

Luke got the job! Congrats and stuff...

signing off...