Perfect Night/Imperfect Night

A perfect night. To dance. To listen. To be bad. To be good. To feel. To crave. To delight. To tire. To relax. To snort. To pop. To stand and watch. To take it all in. To run-amock. To smile and smile and smile for life. For each and every day. To laugh at everyone's antics. To think about how we are all different. All special. To see the nobility in trash. To cuddle. To look into someone's eyes. Eyes that sparkle! To feel warm arms around me. The arms of friends.

To try. To try. To survive. Perhaps to even thrive...

A perfect day. To sit. To consider. To laugh. To drink. To play music and tell stories. To be light and easy. To learn about someone else's life, the way their eyes construct the world, the colours they see, the shapes that stand out. The rules they live by, the things that matter to them.

To be at home. To feel at home. Safe and free of pain. Clear and focussed, a path clearing ahead. Things starting to make sense.

Imperfect night. Confusion. Sadness. Loneliness from you. From the friend I had - increasingly like a stranger. Angry. Sarcastic. Almost controlling. Judgemental. Withdrawn at worst, occasionally friendly, then confusing. I am doing my best to make it work here, to live not just along-side, but WITH someone who has a very different lifestyle/timetable. I have tried and worked at being fair and put in effort to include and compromise. Nothing I do is good enough. The rules keep changing. Without justification or explanation.

What is it really that you want? But maybe it's too late to talk about that. And space is the only solution. I don't want to live on egg-shells, just as much as I don't want to lose your friendship. But I am not in control of this. I am no match for what is causing your anger/resentment, etc. My wallet is empty of whatever currency is recognised in your economy.

I am sorry it has gone this way. But there is life to live. There is some pain today after a weekend of work, with this twisting in my spine, there is so much hard work to be done in me, and in my work... There is change, sometimes faster than we can keep up with, which sometimes makes me afraid, but I am ready.

No coward soul is mine.

There are new friendships to build and explore. There are old friends to re-visit and home-comings to observe. There are links to create, relationships to re-define, re-invigorate and renew. There is pride to swallow, love and friendship and strength to reach down and pull out from beneath the tiredness and fear in me. There is giving to be done.

Alco-mo-hol!

God, could this week 1/2 have been any more confusing/difficult/turmultuous!? New friends, new feelings, new self-concepts, new thoughts and cares and worries... The new apartment coming together as I had hoped, but still a little lonely - no tv and luke is very independent. Doesn't often want to eat with me, which is my usual way of connecting with housemates, keeping a relationship going...

I feel lonely, but also free and unencumbered at the same time. The space is really good for working in and I have already been feeling inspired to get going on this catch up.

Have made an effort to re-connect with other dear friends and hope to continue to build those bridges.

Last night I went to the Newtown Hotel for Dallas and Della's new show "Shemales from Outer Space!" with Luke and Aaron and Dave and Brian. For the first time in a while I drank a fair bit. Silly, tipsy, we walked all the way home. Felt crazy, young, alive again in a way I've not felt for a while. I miss it. The freedom to act like a fool. And yet, I would not go back to those high school days for anything...

Relationships are so complicated when you are a grown up - tenderness and affection do not always translate to sexual release, respect and caution may win out over desire and yearning.

The body can crave what the mind knows it will never find, never possess.

Tonight D came over for dinner and brought the sunshine back into my life and into my new place. I have felt so uncomfortable, so unsure - but he settled into it like an old shoe, with his usual reserve, but also his characteristic praise and openness. I am grateful and pleased.

So time for bed has come. I find myself hoping Ms S is well, having returned from her life-changing trip to the other side. My own mum has been a life-saver since they told me about my twisted spine - my likely life of pain and hard hard work.

I am not afraid. Life is to be lived and I will live it to the full. "Mum" is the word regarding my discrepancies. I will disclose and deal with the changes in my own time. For now, the carefree girl you knew is alive and well. The passion, the movement, each moment a gesture towards a dance of ecstasy...

"Considerable Irregularity"

Got through this week on a wing, a prayer and 1 1/2 points of tina. Twice into hospital in varying degrees of pain. Numb toes, weakness everywhere. Tried to pack Thursday, but fell apart. Body would not play. Friday better. Felt alive again. Kylie came and we got the trailer and packed everything up for mine and Luke's move to "Central Redfern" - finished moving at, like, 11pm. Had ct scan on lumbar spine area in the middle of all that. Worked sat, worked sunday, had a tina freak out on sunday night for an hour or so - accidentally wired, everyone asleep, bleh, argh, etc - k'd down with b then slept like a baby and woke refreshed. New apartment coming together nicely. Everything fits good.

TODAY : GOT CT RESULTS FROM THE PEOPLE WHO TOOK PHOTOS THROUGH MY SKIN

It should have come as no surprise to me that whatever is wrong with me is no normal, common problem. I was born with deformities in both hands (odd little fingers, a-symmetrical, wrong lengths, etc, you have my permission to request a closer look if you're interested in genetic abnormality...) The same kind of thing appears to be in my spine. Of course I am not a doctor and cannot really understand the results page I have been given along with my pictures, but I can deduce that it's not a slipped-disk and phrases like "considerable abnormalities", "diffuse abnormality throughout the lumbar spine", and "posterior joint changes ... more marked than usually seen in a person of this age" are a little disconcerting.



Of course I got a little George Michael for a minute, crying to myself on Missenden Rd "I'm never gonna dance again", picturing myself in a wheel chair, and various more horrible fates...

The one conclusion I can safely make from my lay-perspective is that I truly am a freak of nature. My mum says "unique" and I am happy with that. Fortunately all the other things that make me special have caused me no (physical) pain, unfortunately this variation has.

I see a doctor tomorrow who will hopefully be able to explain the results more clearly. I have a feeling that I will be seeing a lot more doctors in the near future.

For now the pain is under control and I am feeling fine, just a little nervous.

Tonight I am going to DeckBar to relax and unwind with friends. If my hopes are fulfilled, then my little pink lolly will warm me and I will be able to dance. I must find a pretty dress and a pair of practical cha cha heels.



PS: k totally rocks! I mean like totally!

Homo Sweet Homo

Luke and I got an apartment today. We applied, paid deposit and had approval within an hour. In an uncharacteristic table-turn, it is I who was not able to see it before we applied, having been in hospital for The Bitch Pain at inspection time. Liz went with Luke and approved of it - explained it well with a very good drawing too - and I think we both had a pretty good idea of what we wanted.

This weekend has been odd. The pain has built up steadily, and the first half saw me trying to kill it with legal drugs - Panadeine Forte, Endone tablets, valium, ibuprofen. The only thing that worked for a little little while was valium (sleep through the pain...)

But this second half was totally different. I decided to ignore the Bitch Pain and live my normal work-day and go out. As it turned-out, tina is a very sweet pain reliever, and I didn't go out, but had a fabulous homo-cooked dinner ;-) nice wine and great conversation. Spent the night in with Daniel, Brian and Brett, then Daniel and Brett, then just Danial and me. Fabulous! I feel honoured that he/they would choose to spend that much time with me, and I feel that we all benefitted by the interaction (I'm so clinical sometimes!).


Had a lovely walk with Luke in Newtown in the morning paying the deposit on our new place. Felt relief and elation to have secured a residence. (Oh, yeah, and can't wait to see it, so it becomes more than just a list of attributes in my head.)

Rowan picked-up a quality piece and had a smile a mile wide like a giddy school girl from his fabulous "booty-call". Kylie and I were so proud! (Maybe we really are fag hags after all...) Kylie has been separated from "her man". Which I approve of, because a woman who knows herself so well, and who is so fabulous and strong shouldn't be with a mess. Kylie - your Diva sphere is sacred. Good on you girl for holding your head up.

Save yourself for Dan Murphy, eh!?

B's a sweety and our relationship is growing to be supportive and surprisingly tender (as well as sarcastic, fabulous, dodgy, etc). I love it right now. And the little bits of affection we all share with each other are so nice for me.

to be continued....

Groove is in the Heart

Heart is in the gutter.

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." Leftie, Anarchisty??? quotation. Anyone know the source?

This post contains a come-down winge and a Festival Report.

SCIATICA

For one week and two days I have had pain. Pain begins in the hip, at the back, on the side. The physio massages the painful twisted muscle in my right butt cheek. I am such a prude, her touches make me feel uneasy. But it also feels good to have that movement against the pain.

MY GROOVE

All weekend I could not dance. The groove was in my heart, but my body was tired, twisted and fragile. Doped-up against the pain, it dared me to let go and boogy, then stopped me with sharp jabs from the nerves - an electric pain, a shock.

Now it has moved from the hip to the leg. Down the leg and into the calf. A tingle, electric shocks when I walk, kick, move things with my feet.

BUGS

It is Spring and the weather is distinctively warmer. Tonight I am coming down like a sack of bitchy potatos. Eating like a pig. The body seems to hoard during the week, after weekends of not eating. Binge, starve, binge, starve.

As if it knows I am on edge tonight, the universe has sent two black moths and a big ugly blow fly to disturb my sleep. They flutter and buzz around my room excited about the Spring. I try to ignore them, but when one hits me in the face, I say "God! That's enough!" But we've got no bug spray...



Breeding season. Thousands of bugs hatching, laying, springing out to tackle the world. To survive till they are squashed, poisoned, eaten by something, or die in their way. Heat, crazy feverous desire, sweat, laughter, desperation - the world sped up. Things grow, live and die in fast-motion. The earth on meth.

I love the Summer, and I fear it. Everything at extremes. More parties, more drugs, more sex, more life. But even in the city, the Summer means wildlife. Bigger bugs, bigger spiders. More phobia. More fear. Silly, really.

A ROOM OF ONE'S OWN

We did not get the second appartment. The other applicants were older and made more money. It is wearing me thin. Tiring me out. I've never had trouble getting a house before. I've been on heaps of leases and I have a squeeky-clean rental record...

I have to get out of here, cannot start something happening then let it falter, let it linger on. Just want to make change happen now. To start a-fresh, and get on with my life. So universe, quit your bullshit and give us a god-damn house!

I am sure that change is coming and strength is coming, I just have to remember Wilson Phillips and "hold on for one more day".

****FESTIVAL OF EMMA REPORT:

First of all, thank you to those who attended my birthday party, and any of the associated events. I had a really good time.

My K party was certainly that. Mainly a chance to have k in a supportive and safe environment where those of us not that familiar could feel comfortable experimenting with it. We had two k virgins, who found the experience most positive. We also had a master in the midst, with good advice on hand, and support. The set-up was fun as we turned my room into "The Red Room" for the occasion (I'll post (selected) photos when I've downloaded them). Humorous moments include the first communal bump, a holy communion administered by myself to each atendee. Which was followed immediately after by my noticing that the "o" key on my lap-top had suddenly disappeared! Cries of "I cannot find my "o"! And who will help me find my "o"?" resounded. Later we had boys in dresses and hats and gloves and a lovely photo shoot - camp! All in all, a silly, fun and chilled-out night.

Thank you to everyone for the presents they gave me, including your presences of course! Here are a few special thanks:

Thank you to Jorja for the sub-woofer and speakers. (NB: Sub-woofer is not a boy in a collar on all fours!) This system allows me to have music after I move - and this is very important to me.

Thanks to my Mum for the bed. I love it! Hot! And it inspires me to decorate my new room (when I get one) and feel ownership over the process.

Thanks to Liz for the beautiful quill and ink. You will never let me forget that I am an artist and a writer. Sometimes, lately I have forgotten and resented that part of me. Wanted to obliterate it all. A beautiful gift. Poetic and inciteful.

Luke - a practical gift, with a quirky edge. I loved it.

Arron - you have an eye for understanding other people's style.

Alexis - the smell of Chai takes me back to better and worse times of life. Thank you for coming to my party.

Daniel, Sal, Brett and John (each and all unique and special) - your enthusiasm for people, for life, for love, for each other is infectious! I can't get enough of your smiles, your wisdom. Your generousity strengthens me. John - your principles, humility, and strength of character give me hope, and inspire me.

Daniel - it is so nice to see you growing with confidence to be unique. I am proud.

Thanks all of youse for taking a chance on a crazy girl like me.

Rowan - thanks for calling to say happy birthday. You are a sweety even if you are a mystery. Love ya babe.

Brian - Ta baby. Your un-judgemental company is a pleasure. You are so much more than just a "hussy" to me.

If I've forgotten anyone, it's just because I'm tired and doped-up on Panadeine Forte. Thanks to those I have forgotten.

The rest of the weekend was fun too - showing up to Manacle for my birthday on sunday was particularly special. I felt fabulous surrounded by my wonderful and interesting friends. I felt supported and happy and relaxed. Hanging with Jodie and Kate was fun, and Jodie is very inspirational, reminding me that academia can be fun. The pool party was a crazy hoot, with some moments of anxiety...



Spoke to Summer, but didn't get to spend quality time with her. Hope things work out ok. My heart is with her in this hard time and I look forward to catching up in better times for us both.

In general and in conclusion::::

I am holding my heart in my hand and gambling with my life. Will I end up on top, or falling deeper into chaos? I take a deep breath and push my everything into the middle of the table. I would be lying this time if I said I am not afraid.

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