Take more time to smell the flowers

I've been so caught up in the immediate, that I've forgotten the little things, the bigger picture, the backdrop, the details...

There's more to my life right now than the affection that fills my heart with wonder and occasional angst, that touches me, teaches me, changes me as we speak. There's also so much to tell you...

My appartment is windy. There's a special wind in Redfern that seems to blow just here. It always comes up in the afternoons and blows right through the house because I leave my bedroom door open, and the door to my balcony.

I have just had my hair re-done in extensions. They are black and red but only half done. The rest will be done for Mardi Gras.



Last night night I cooked the best lamb I've ever tasted in my life. Daniel and I hosted a dinner for a friend from Manacle - Robert - and his guest, Hany (who works with Daniel). Josh and Daniel did the shopping and picked some fantastic and expensive lamb backstrap. While I had my hair done, Josh marinated the lamb in Moroccan spices as directed. The dinner was pleasant, with wine and chit chat. Daniel and I made a great team. And working with Josh is a pleasure. It's nice to enjoy these evenings that are drug free. I mean really enjoy them together.

Today is Daniel's birthday. His parents came to visit and we were nervous to have the house presentable. He brought them home early and I nearly had a heart attack, not having done many of the things I wanted to before they arrived. It worked out ok. I bought chocolates, cakes and flowers to celebrate, and we had afternoon tea with mud cake, brownies, custard tart, etc. Apparently his parents liked our place and approved of me. Whew!



For Mardi Gras, I have to work, but have got monday off to attend the Pool Party Palooza. I cannot wait! I am going to get an old fashioned swim suit and maybe a little sun tent and bliss out in the water, fun in the sun all day long!

Josh always says "Who's your daddy" and "Whooshit!" when he's getting off his face. It's so cute. And he says crazy things like "Who's your daddy? Your mummy's your daddy..." It's so funny. When he says gross things, he gets digusted at himself and me and Daniel laugh.



Josh and I like pizza - we love the puff base from Dominos.

I snorted pink pill powder off my degree. Silly.

I met my new supervisor at the old Californian cafe, she was hung over and I said "Thank God. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the department..." I am very positive for the future now I have some better ideas for the thesis, and a supervisor who knows a lot about queer culture and literature.

Miss S has been arrested and is in Silverwater - it's so hard to know what's going on, what can be belived, if we can talk to her or not, etc.

Rohan broke his foot and had to go back to QLD to get better. Most people close to him and left behind in Sydney agree that it was the best thing for him to take a break and recuperate/save money, etc. I hope that when he comes back he feels more in control of his life, and can find the happiness he deserves.



Nancy Boy is sad to have Rohan gone and I realise that we have been friends a long time now. We are going to go to Mardi Gras together and Radioactive Boy and Radioactive Girl, but that little dream will have to wait. In the meantime, I am still kicking leaves. Meh!



I've taken a liking to icecream. Even chocolate icecream!

We have aquired two plants from the planter beds in Redfern that now sit on our balcony. When J first grabbed one out, I was shocked and delighted to see that they were in pots (I thought it was one big bed)! It's my job to water them and, so far I'm doing ok.

My very good friend Ben hit a wall and is bouncing back, you can see his blog at lookaboveandsmile.blogspot.com

I want to take the time to remember his crazy antics and all the joy he gave me since I met him. I hope there will be more good times to come and that our friendship can survive the "real" world - outside the clubs, outside the joy of drugs. And even there again, when Ben is ready to go there on his own terms. Ben is an amazing person, and I know you can't tell much from a photo, but for those who've not met him, here's Ben.



So, there's a little catch-up on some of the random things in my life, and the people I love.

Here's a funny birthday related comic strip. I call it, Eat Clown:

A Strange Strange Boy

Today Josh and I went and saw Memoirs of a Geisha, finally. I am glad. I liked it but too much focus on the romance. This song keeps coming into my head when I think of him - of Josh. What a strange boy...

But as I have said many times before - there is strength in the differences between us, there is comfort where we overlap. (Ani DiFranco)

Strange Boy - by Joni Mitchell

A strange boy is weaving
A course of grace and havoc
On a yellow skateboard
Thru midday sidewalk traffic
Just when I think he's foolish and childish
And I want him to be manly
I catch my fool and my child
Needing love and understanding

What a strange, strange boy
He still lives with his family
Even the war and the navy
couldn't bring him to maturity

He keeps referring back to school days
And clinging to his child
Fidgeting and bullied
His crazy wisdom holding onto something wild
He asked me to be patient
Well I failed
"Grow up!" I cried
And as, the smoke was clearing he said
"Give me one good reason why!"

What a strange, strange boy
He sees the cars as sets of waves
Sequences of mass and space
He sees the damage in my face

We got high on travel
And we got drunk on alcohol
And on love the strongest poison and medicine of all
See how that feeling comes and goes
Like the pull of moon on tides
Now I am surf rising
Now parched ribs of sand at his side

What a strange, strange boy
I gave him clothes and jewelry
I gave him my warm body
I gave him power over me

A thousand glass eyes were staring
In a cellar full of antique dolls
I found an old piano
And sweet chords rose up in waxed New England halls
While the boarders were snoring
Under crisp white sheets of curfew
We were newly lovers then
We were fire in the stiff-blue-haired-house-rules

--------------

My heart strings are tugged, solo violin, in a secret, darkened room, the melody slides from cautious to passionate - wild to mournful. A shaft of light filters in sometimes to bring impossible joy to me, as the dust particles dance through it like faeries.

a true affection some kind of love? nothing more. nothing less.

--------------

Loosing My Bitch

My Bitch was Brian. He taught me so many things about life. To relax, to accept others for who they were, to reserve judgement, to live, to survive. He helped me in a time when I needed a friend. Someone to just be there and say it's all ok. And he taught me to have fun again. The value in games and play and affection.

We held each other in a tender grip, as we walked through our own private storms together.

But My Bitch is not my bitch any more. He has grown away from me, and me from him also, I suppose. We begin to break each other's hearts, grate up against each other - making tension more than love.

I am dissapointed. I feel his attention is fake and his love token. His eyes are always on the door when he's with me. his mind is always somewhere else.

Bitch - I let you go. You are not mine. I release you.

I will still be here if you need a friend, but my heart does not belong to you any more. I am no longer your baby, your toy, your precious little girl. I will never again curl up in your arms.

There is no "you and me" any more, we are no longer "the special two".

I mourn a little, but I accept. Life marches on and change is good and natural.

Where are you going little boy? I hope life will take you to better places than you have known. I wish happpiness for you, and health and good fortune, and love.

And for me?

No more bitches - I want an equal. I want to build a house and call it my own.

*********

Will Sleep Not Find Me?

I shouldn't have tooted, I suppose. Should have known that you would disconnect from me, fall back away from my touch, turn your eyes from my gaze and fall asleep. Strange boy, you sleep in my bed with all your clothes on, as if you need to be ready to run at any moment, and never look back.

You did not say good night. How could I not want to sleep near you? You pull me close with one hand, and push me away with the other. I am alone. But alone I do not feel this lonely. Coming down, can't sleep, such a tender time with you before, edgy, meaningful. Now empty. Fucked. Tired. Teary.

Fragile.

Will sleep not come and find me?

I'll take a valium and see if it will love me, caress me into soft nothing, make me feel the wholeness and security of sleep.

And maybe in the morning I will know if you care for me, or if this is nothing. I am nothing.