Mardi Gras - 2006 - Phoenix Rising

"During the early 1800's public celebrations of Mardi Gras centered around maskers on foot, in carriages and on horseback. The first documented parade occurred in 1837. Unfortunately, Mardi Gras gained a negative reputation because of violent behavior attributed to maskers during the 1840's and 50's. The situation became so bad that the press began calling for an end to the celebration."

http://www.twilightbridge.com/hobbies/festivals/mardigras/history.htm

My Mardi Gras week is over. Much to my relief. I hit my own wall on Monday and am at home as I begin to write this entry. I am beginning to pick up the pieces. The story of my week is one of joy and pain. Of fun and of stupidity. Of tenderness and danger.



Daniel's birthday weekend/Azure weekend left me, Josh and Daniel all a bit fragile. Some kind of proverbial elastic band of emotion snapped, fights happened, things were said and unsaid, and g was taken in high quantities.

Although sick at Azure and not able to stay that long, I really enjoyed the experience of seeing it and dancing under the sky, the drizzling rain. Dan and Shegeki playing live was the highlight. The smile on Shegeki’s face as the crowd roared in applause was so nice to see. I was touched and so proud of my community in that moment…



Parts of the weekend were beautiful. Love met hurt and anger in a bitter-sweet cocktail, but I fell to emotional lows and forgot to stop and breathe… At the end of the storm, J fled to less complex ground – understandably – but did so in a way that made me wonder if the friendship was over or not.

I had a sinking feeling that softly, and slowly on that Tuesday evening my friendship with Josh had come to its end, and no one was going to be kind enough to tell me. Over the next couple of days I felt relief and pain. I missed the boy, but was glad to have time alone to rest my heart. I ended up at C’s on Thursday night, where Brian also happened to be. So Brian became a confidant, I expressed my fears and angers, and we took g to feel better. I got all my feelings out, and Brian helped me put things into perspective. I went from anger to hurt to forgiveness to a feeling of strength.

I ended up going to Arq that night, thanks to Chris and Brian, and having a marvellous time, well beyond expectations. I saw Sal and John E, and made a kind of peace with J, who I realised I loved – and would always love – beyond fear and hurt.

The weekend of Mardi Gras pushed me beyond my limit. I dropped twice into exhaustion and mankyness. C accidently kicked me in the face and my nose got broken. J picked up A and they kissed at work while I tried to pick up the pieces of myself, and my heart broke and rebuilt itself, over and over…



So many tiny explosions of disappointment in my stomach, in my throat, a taste of shame and self-pity… but it was also Gay Christmas – so I swallowed my burning heartbreak to sooth later, and tooted myself up to keep the dream alive. I worked to find happiness in the awesome healing power of camp.

MARDI GRAS PARADE

I took Marnie and Nancy Boy to see the Mardi Gras parade. It was M’s first MG and first e. She was fabulous! We put M’s rosary beads on Nancy Boy and I said he was a Sister of Perpetual Indulgence – Sister McHussy! Marnie draped a wrist band over him as a sash that said “I love Jesus!” We watched the parade from upstairs at Jen’s place and helped Jen get ready for Mardi Gras – she looked fab!



For me, to watch the madness from a closed-in balcony above was the perfect thing for my somewhat fragile state. The Bears float, The CAAH float, student floats, Amnesty, Leather Pride, SWOP and the venue floats were very inspirational for me to see again. The Furries float was a special favourite of mine…

After that was over and we had hung at Jen’s for a bit, we begun to go home. Issue was, me, Josh, Aaron and Marnie were all together and they all needed a place to stay. After some difficult chats between J and I (emotion running high against exhaustion and the need to feel safe), I took them all home to mine so we could stay together on MG. It was actually very lovely, but I only got 1 hour sleep before the hardest day at work.

Sunday night

Was the hardest night. Exhausted and manky, we decided to go to Kooky as all the other stuff was too expensive, etc. A was still with us and tensions between me and J shot to a high, catching A in the middle and affecting D. The house was traumatised by angry words and drama and, once again, g was a factor making it all come to the surface, blowing it all out of proportion, making J and I sharp to each other. Hedgehogs with their spikes up and sharpened…

Fan-dancing at Stonewall softened me again. The prettiest fan was on the floor for me, like the universe giving me a gift that said “I know you are empty, you are lost, you feel like you are fading into nothing and no one… Take this fan… Remember who you are, remember beauty and grace and the power of movement and fun… Dance and play with strangers… Grow strong… Survive.”



A whirlwind of activity getting ready for pool party. Images mixed up, time a messy continuum, days blend and blur… Shopping with Jen, going to get the pool, digging my nails into my leg on the bus from Bondi, to feel pain, to express love, laughing as the boys blew up the pool at the Service Station and Josh carried it across Flinders St…

I gathered all my toys from each of the parties and got them ready to celebrate the Mardi Gras in my favourite way – a camp out! We bought a little fishing rod and plastic fish to go fishing in the pool, fans and straws with cocktail umbrellas attached. When we got to pool party, they wouldn’t let us fill it due to OhandS rules. Disappointed, but not ready to lay down and die, I set it up, blew up the beach ball from Club Arak, brought out the duckie from Pool Party Palooza no.2 – gingham, put Nancy Boy (from Divas) up on the side to sunbake, played with the mouse and seahorse from Azure, got into bathers and camped it up! Rusty – the sweety – got into the pool with me and played with the beach ball and we did synchronised swimming moves with our legs in the air – it was total camp out!

MY DROP


But the weekend had been long, my heart was weak and battered, so tired from swelling and deflating, bruised, and my body was running on tina alone – I had managed to not have even one meal in three days and an hour’s sleep in four. I was hollow, light, a shell, a cicada, I took less than two mils, but the picture began to blur, the music took over me, came in through my ears to fill me completely, the music of oblivion and exhaustion. My body took over my mind, I lost control, I fell. I gave in, I slept. I died that moment… to rise like a phoenix with a broken wing.

Loved ones poked and prodded to shock me awake. My boys carried me through the crowd to get out of the sun and away from the music. They tell me I screamed. Perhaps I am a fighter…

I woke quickly and begun to recover. They placed me in a chair downstairs and Joelle and I talked as I returned to a fully conscious state. It all came out. The fear, the resentment, the desire. Softly and subtly and with pride because Joelle is a role-model and someone I respect. “Why don’t my friends take care of me… Why didn’t anyone make me eat… Where is my bag… Why did they not bring it to me…”

Joelle reminded me of what I had forgotten. It took a few days to sink in completely, but I understood what she tried to give me – SELF RESPECT. SELF LOVE.

The body heals and the mind forms scars. Emotional tissue becomes calloused, toughened. Sore spots appear, that sting when something touches them. Some parts become stronger, some never quite recover. I died and rose again. I stayed home six days to lick my wounds, nurse my broken nose, and have a break from tina and, as it worked out, a break from Josh. And to think about g, and my relationship to it.



Mardi Gras 2006 will always be the year I hit a wall. The year of sisterhood. The year of the camp fires burning. And the year I was woken up to see the truth – that you must take care of yourself first, and then there’s a chance that we may all sparkle.

A family – somewhat dysfunctional – fed on love and chemicals. Marnie, Jen, Josh, Daniel, Brian, Chris. As well as Rusty, Stefan, Britney, Joelle, Dan Murphy, Aaron – the little man – Manacle, Stonewall, Kooky, Arq… the streets of Darlinghurst covered with trash and smiles, rainbow streamers, a shivering neon feather left behind…


Photo by Josh