Home Alone

I find tonight that I am home alone. But I am not alone. Myself is there, my selves are there, making noise, protesting, sometimes on the edge of meltdown, sometimes wise and peaceful like an old soul. I want to get drunk and cry like a fool. Let it all go, the shame and fear, the feeling of being ignoble, the loss of pride that is supposed to signify a fall. Have I fallen? Is this rock bottom, or does the rock go much much deeper down?

You know what's changed? I have learned the desire to be alone. To disappear. To simply discontinue existing for a while. Taking comfort in the pressing of buttons. Drinking Wild Turkey, eating re-heated pizza from Dominos. Fourty dollars lost in a trip to get coke and cigarettes.

My skin scratched and marked by love and intensity. My angels of shame and delight at war with each other. Sometimes fighting, sometimes fucking - passionate fear, tender secrets.

But what do I think? What do I really think? Me, not anyone else. Not for anyone else's approval, or to keep up the appearance of a girl. The "strong one".

I really think I am the strong one. But for God sake, don't make me be! Cuddle me now. Give me softness and light. Give me forgiveness. Help me to forgive myself.

------

Listening to - Breath Me, by SIA.

Thinking of Josh, of me, of Marnie, and of Mum. Of Jen and Brian and even Wade. Of Jamie, Maz, Wassim, The Queen of The Nile, The Girl From the Gutter, The Princess of Faggots, The Twins. The vortex of Arq. The flat, sinking feeling of playing pokies on g. The day to come tomorrow. A big day at work!

Will the Wild Turkey please sing me to sleep now?

Yeah... That's the stuff!

------ Here is one internet versin of the lyrics of Heartbeats - mentioned in the previous blog post.

Song lyrics

HeartBeats - The Knife

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine scent
To know what to say
Mind is a razorblade

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no

One night of magic rush
The start: a simpel touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief
Ten days of perfect tunes
The colours red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough

And you
You knew the hand of a devil
And you
Kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats in one night

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no

To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough

Looking up?!

Well since I wrote that post on Josh's birthday, I've had a couple of days at home, basically alone, working on my thesis. I went from sitting on the balcony, knowing what I had to do, deadline looming for the coming wednesday, ready to pack it all in. I felt a complete lack of inspiration, as if I no longer wanted to do the project at all. I thought about quitting for a little while and the other options for my life. I tried to get excited about Menippean Satire and the idea of break-down and decay and modernism, but I could not. The whole project just seemed too big, and I felt like an imposter, as if I had left it too late after all to make a comeback.

Then I sat down in front of the computer again and typed

My passions are – the city and book. The drugs and the book. Drugs as a feature of Australian Literature? Disease and the book. HIV AIDS as a feature of Australian Literature. The ghetto. Poverty. Camp. Performance. Disease. Sydney. Dance.

And I remembered why I am doing this project. My focus came back emotionally. Well, two days later and one trip to the library (I need to make another very soon...), I had solidified my sources to the point where I could make a real start on this intro. I went from having only about three maybe references, to already having six or seven definite texts to use, and having begun reviewing three of them in detail.

Friday night, and I am not working tomorrow, so I got a point and have put in the most focussed and productive three hours or so, so far. I am now about half way through the intro words-wise, but much more as I have now given the thesis a structure.

Anyway, just thought I'd update, so people could see that it is not all doom and gloom in my life. Not at all.

Josh came over this evening too and has been watching King Kong while I study. It's nice that we can do that. There's a peace between us that was not there before.

Onwards and upwards!

Money lost in poikies since last post - $13

Listening to: Brighter Days - by Dajae. Still looking for a really mix.

And favourite song right now: Heartbeats (Rex The Dog Remix) - by Knife. Off Ministry of Sound Clubbers Guide to 2006. Download it now!

The Queen Of Denial?

No one told me there were more walls than just one. I thought I hit the wall at Mardi Gras - a wall called Tina, a wall called Gina? So I changed my behaviour my habits somewhat, and have had some success. Then The Time of Significance came upon my life. As if to test me/punish me/something life threw five Significant events at me in a row. And I gobbled them up. Stefan/Jen. Devi/myself. Marnie/mum/myself. Jamie. And finally Girl From The Gutter's birthday. All songs in the key of Josh - love lust life "and the flowers of deep feeling".

I must admit - I've been stumped. I've hit another wall without even feeling it. I always hated pokies, never played them at all, but the last few weeks have played them probably 7-8 times a week. Have probably lost in total about $150 although its impossible to know really. Have had a few nice wins, but mostly its a treadmill - up, down, up. Maybe up up up for a bit, then down down down till you give up or really need to go to the toilet. I'd rather spend my money irresponsibly on drugs than give it to the government in unoffical taxes. And yet they have been providing me with something. Not a good thing, not what I need, but something none the less. And underneath it lies an answer to what's wrong in my life.

I haven't been playing pokies because I want to win. I've been playing them to be alone. To have some time, and something that is just mine. But it is a poor substitute for a meaningful passtime. I cannot fool myself emotionally into feeling satisfaction in the fact that I've just won sixty dollars off five, betting only twenty cents a hit.

Satisfaction is in the development and use of skills and knowledge. Life is learning as Josh would say.

Girl From the Gutter has delighted me and stripped me bare. The passion we share can be too strong for either of us to look at head on. Like an eclipse, the strength of passion, of connection, of feeling blinds us and we have to look away.

Tonight Che tried to wake me up. Tried to make me understand that I am letting parts of me die - or at least falter. He is right. He is wrong. He is right but saying it all wrong. He is barking up the wrong tree - I am asleep in the treehouse at the top of the tree of self-avoidance, not self-destruction. I am killing myself inside slowly, just watching myself die-down - from a flame to a flicker.

I am not in danger of killing myself - just of becoming average, washed-out, pale, hollow. Yes, sometimes I do feel empty. But I am not.

I love you Josh. My soul to you. My heart to you. Sometimes we are each other. You are me and I have become you. My love for you crosses time and space into the rhelm of music, or even just sound; deeper inarticulate utterance. Sounds - tribal and harmonious, euphoric and light. Light shines from me to you, and the light within you grows and flickers and burns and sparkles.

Can I love myself as much as I love you? I'm not sure. But perhaps I can - because you, better than anyone, can teach me.

Girl From the Gutter - this is your birthday. Happy birthday! You deserve every happiness that comes your way, and (even more) the ones you go after. Be proud of yourself, and (just a little bit) remember to live with purpose, not just accidently. Don't be a reed, be the river.

You are a magical dancer - joyous and wild. A loyal friend. A gentleman. An idealist. A cynic. A charmer, a looker. A bit of alright. A lost boy. A healer. One hell of a lover... and you are just the boy next door. The boy from the gutter. The girl from the underworld. A boy-girl-man-queen devil child. I salute you.

And for me? Just me? (Although it feels that there is no me without you, sometimes.)

Love, pride, gambling, danger, exhaustion, emptiness, softness.

Loved. Changed. Tired. Affected. Afraid. Delighted.

I'll probably never get five pyramids again, but who really cares? Do I?

----------

The Long and Short of It

Right now I am Mr Brightside. No show at the door, no answer on the phone. Jelousy? Maybe? Kinda. Not really. More like the sadness of a viewer, who watches a story unfold on tv - I already know the plot, but I still cry at the sad bits. Or could the story have a twist in its ending? Surprise us all with a simplicity of solution?




The last month and a bit! Stefan's goodbye. Jen's struggle of feeling. Josh's inconsistencies. Josh's growth and tenderness, "omissions" and admissions! Josh's love. Daniel's distence. Devi's strength and anger and fear and courege. Dancing at Mars Lounge - feeling it all at once. Setting me free. Making me strong. Devi's goodbye. Josh's hands. Chafing on my wrists. Long days at work. Jamie's birthday. Friendships growing. Tenderness towards my community. Feeling like a part of a family. Spending too much money. Jorja is leaving for the UK. Marnie's pain. Marnie's bruises. Fear and love so fierce, and tears so heavy.



Marnie's birthday! Excitement at Luna Park. Great photos. My boy, my girl - smoking cigarettes, bumping into laughter, crying with the music. Playing on the swings. Sleeping together. Sleeping alone...



I have had so much pulling at me. One thing after the other. Joy and pain. I am alive.

My thesis introduction is due next friday. Time to get to work.

Calling Marnie!

Calling Marnie. If you read this, Marnie, please call us. Where are you biatch?

If anyone sees or hears from my sister, Marnie, please call me immediately.

It is tuesday 4th. If anyone heard anything today or since yesterday, call me.

Thank you.

ph. 0423 040 996