The Sun Also Rises

It is just as I tell others. The truth that I know intellectually has now shown itself in my life. After a break up, a major change, a loss... There is grieving. A mourning period. It feels cold, it feels desperate. The emptiness feels unbarable.

but

Time and the living of days eases the pain, cools the desperation, slows your broken speed-beating heart. I am getting better. I've stopped missing him like water. I've stopped feeling like there was no one else that mattered, as if the world was cold and empty but for him. I've begun to get close to other people again, to spend time with other poeple. I've been filling my time and the world feels a little brighter.

I've begun to control my pokies habit so I am not losing money in large amounts, and not using it as a way to deal with hurt and disappointment. I've applied for a job at Redfern RSL, and am putting in resumes at all the local pubs, and so will soon hopefully have a second job - helping to get me out of debt in the next few months.

I'm not all the way there - still spending money on pokies, still feeling lonely sometimes, still missing josh a bit, but getting over him, still not studying enough - but all these things are getting better.

Fear rises up in your stomach, pain and hurt rises up in your throat. I've wandered the city in empty desperation, but the sun also rises. And each day gets easier. Each week gets better. I am getting stronger again. I am taking control of me again.

So, yeah! As Sal would say, "Get your cock out!"

G Line

Hi. This post is about my life. About Josh's life. The lives of all my close people. This post is about cricis and happiness. This post is about cries for help.

A good friend overdosed today. On purpose.

Do I think he wanted to die? No. I think he wanted to fall down and not get back up for a bit. I think he wanted to become a child for a bit. To be cared for and allowed rest. To stop making decisions. To sleep.

We left him in the hospital with a note telling him we love him. We got his phone and wallet from his own home so we could help stop him from walking back into the middle of a cricis. He needs to stay broken up with his partner and start afresh. He needs to let the icy winds of fear (the fear of being alone) change to cool winds of newness. A life of his own. A heart becoming open again.

We must all find the things that are unhealthy for us and minimise them or eliminate them from our live - even if we love them, and mostly we do. That is the hard thing.

Also, we must find the things that are healthy. The things that make us happy - like genuinely happy. The things and the people that give us strength and teach us things.

And make them our lives.

Can we do it?

Can I do it?

Tomorrow I need to call G line. Or at least see if there's an online information site. I've fallen far enough into cricis and it's time I started going forward again. Before I end up losing something important.


*****

Making the Links!

Hi everyone! Guess what? Can't guess?! Well, I updated my links list!!!!

I added Rohan's, Josh's, Jen's, my brother Danny's, my very lovely friend Ben's and my sister Marnie's blogs to the list! They are all worth a look. Jen's and Josh's are very new and so there's not heaps to read but watch this space and comment on them and hopefully they'll get into the swing of things!



Plans for the future:

*** Phase out Manacle - slowly and in a way that provides continued support to the venue, as well as meeting my need for a less involving (more casual) casual job.

*** Get another bar job (hopefully mostly during the week) and pay off debts.

*** Contact Red Cross/ACON etc and look into volunteering or working in drug safety training, making material, etc, etc....

*** Start yoga with Marnie on monday, tuesday or wednesday night each week.

*** Visit mum more - get out of the city!

There's more but I forget.

Love youse.

miss *e

The Queen of SMS

People lose their phones and many things are lost. The pictures. The phone numbers of people that they may not see again for a long time. The sms's - these are the things that matter. The things you cannot replace. I am going to put them all here, so that I can longer fear the loss of my phone.

And also to mark the passing of an era. I am not saying goodbye to all these people. Nor has the love died. But I am growing now, and must begin a new way of living. Stronger. More independant. I must be the river, not just a reed.

Herein lies the joy and the very best of my love for friends - especially my love for Josh. And here lies a map of my life in the last few months - and stretching back so far. Here lies fun and happiness and sadness and jokes. Thank you my dearests for the words. The words. The words.

I hope I do not offend anyone by sharing these words. There is much missing also, but I thnak God for what I have salvaged.

miss *e

1st Installment - Jorja, Brian, the beginnings of Josh

29/7/2003
Jorja to me

i am besotted by you

11/9/2003
Jorja to me

you are too sweet to me.
thank you for looking after me today babee.
i really liked hanging out with you,
and talking with you and you relaxing into me...

24/9/2003
Jorja to me

i am too. That'll be the downside of being a lady I suppose...
i missed touching your beautiful body and I missed kissing you,
as well as missing you emotionally and missing our conversations.
But to say that this morning 'fuc I missed you' might not have
sounded so good perhaps... hmm. but space and time for us
alone would be really nice.

24/12/2003
Me to Jorja - Christmas Eve 2003

Trying to sleep. Fading now a little drunk into sleep.
Liam playing guittar in the lounge. Dad having a joint.
I miss your hot body beside me. I miss your tiny kisses.
Many kisses. Love.

1/1/2005 - New Years 2004/05
Jorja to me

Happy new year babee! I love you so much... My girl
and my mistress. I only have eyes for you... but those
f b b dancers! I love you

(*fat bottomed burlesque dancers - at Kooky)

8/10/2005
Luke Tilbrook to me

remember; box is like a life of chocolates,
u never get what you gonna know

and later

don't small the sweat stuff. a stitch in nine spoils two chefs in the bush.

26/10/2005 - living in redfern now
Brian Hart to me

Yeah your not bad pretty hot not my type though unless hmmmm
how big's ya strap on

30/10/2005 - the night i got arrested
Brian to me

hey sweetheart hugs are waiting we're here for you call me when you can.
we can't see or talk to you just me at d's mwa mwa mwa mwa

(*at Daniel's old place on Goulburn St (?))

3/11/2005
Joshua Petranker to me

Babe how are you? I feel that you hiding something. u can always talk with me
without having the worry I'll judge you. you'll always have my ears to listen,
and my tongue and mouth for advice. & me in person as a friend who is there
for you direct from the gutter. LOL. love always Josh think of me and smile.

6/11/2005
Brian to me

Only if you start with your fist and finish with your feet both of them

10/12/2005
Chris Percival to me

It was so nice to have you over again. Needless to say it was lovely to
meet Daniel properly too. I look forward to dinner on tuesday. Thank you babe!
You have really lightened things up for me over the last week.
Love you lots. xoxox

23/12/2005
Josh to me and friends

To all my friends, I find it hard to think of what to say, so i'll let my
heart talk, i love all of you, even if i've not shown it, i with you a
Merry Christmas , and a happy and healthy new year, let the new year be
full of love. Love always Josh xxx

24/12/2005 - Christmas eve
Brian to me

(I drove the ride-on lawn-mower and told Brian that I did)

That would be right always trying to ride something or playing with the field
cutting someones grass arn't we, you little peanut m&m. had a very productive day,
actually put some thought into presents this year, Josh and mwah spend the arvo
at Paddo markets got heaps of nice giftwaz for all my family inc relos. oh and
got myself nice shirt and shorts yay! what's you been up too in the land of
chesse hmmmm luv ya beautiful have a good chrissy!

27/12/2005
Brian to me

Hurry up and get your sexyself back to down to camp reality. Cheese town
don't love you like we do! mwa mwa mwa

1/1/2006 - New Years 2005/06
EXACTLY AT MIDNIGHT!!!!
Marnie to me

Its pimpin' time!

1/1/2006
Brian to me and friends

beautiful princes, princesses, fairy's & queens. all the best for the
new year, your hopes & your dreams. Bhappy Bproud, true to yourself,
but not to much tine, she's bad 4your health! B wise, hot sexy,
honast & sweet, even kind 2the beggars on old oxford st, not sleazy,
scanky, don't act like a tramp! Darls if in doubt, just turn up the camp!
HAPPY NEW YEAR MWA!

-------- that's all I can type now. There many more and they will come in the next post. Most of the josh and me ones are in the next post. We're only half way!

stay strong my friends. I know I am trying to. Love you all. Em

tears

i feel kind of resentful that my last few posts are having to be sad. see the thing is, i am also going through a great many happy times and very positive experiences right now. today was the best day I've had at work in ages, and my sister stayed with me the weekend, which was a comfort and an inspiration.

i danced behind the bar again today, because I realised that it was a good thing - for me, for the customers, and for the club. i felt good. i felt alive. i felt hope. there was talking about the "g cricis" (sic), and people really beginning a dialogue about it - customers and/with staff. Progress!

but i have talked about this stuff all day and i am home alone now - quiet. tired. exhausted. worried about my bitch. broke. etc. etc. winge winge.

anyway

i just wanted to say that i cried and i put my hands over my face and when i brought them away again, there was a big fat tear on the tip of my finger, which slid down.

it looked like my fingertip was crying.

at this moment - every millimetre of my skin could shed a tear for the absense of josh's hands.

how can my life be so full, but in this moment feel so empty?

(sic)