I don't wanna forget!!!

I need to record some of the jokes and phrases that we all said on the scene and with friends. Just not to forget...

So here they are, just a few. I hope I've got them right.

Hanging out with Ben and Kayleen:



Want a point? Use your finger!

Want three points? (poke the listener three times with finger) Meh! Meh! Meh!

Want some speed? Follow a racing car!

Want some free drugs? So do I!

What's your point?! About fifty bucks.

Wanna get smashed? Play on the road!

(Please note the preceeding are jokes, and in no way refer to or endorse actual drug use...No. The publishers of this blog distance themselves from all illegal activities. Particularly the really fun and enjoyable ones.)

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I also need to record some more SMS's here, so that they will not be lost forever. These are from Marnie's phone, as mine is out of service at the moment and I am using hers. Mine will be back on in a few weeks, so don't delete my number!!!!

From Sal to me:

Just read your beautiful note, and I am gushing like a famiry-ress geisha. I love you Emma. Unequivocally, unabashedly and unconditionally.

I sent Josh a message talking about the songs we loved and that represented him honestly to me - Outlaw. When the Dawn Breaks. Con Te Petero. (fix) and saying that the music is his real voice. His soul is in it. And I said "the joy was real."

Josh to me in response:

Yes the joy was real. that was truly one of the kindest messages you've sent to me. The real Josh is coming back, better than ever. Love Josh x

Devi to me:

Don't feel alone Emma, because ur not. The universe is asking u 2 re-think previous, unhealthy choices in relation 2 friends and lifestyle. I am 34 and had to move home not so long ago, like the proverbial homing-pigeon. It's ok. Ur ok + you will find inner peace + strength, in time to come. I am not giving up on u. xo

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Me to Josh:

Yeah, I understand. Running around like a headless chicken can be fun, but it gets lonely when there's lots of friends but no one really knows you.



Josh to me:

Yeah you know what I mean! Bless! When you stayed over and fell asleep cuddling it was warm and good!

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Me to Josh, later:

I'll return the earrings I took from your bedroom when you contact me next, hon. I was going to wear them to Diva's to remember the feeling of that weekend me and Rohan came to visit. You were always interesting. The lies added nothing, but took away so much.

(The weekend I'm referring to was the first time I went to Josh's house in Hurstville. We arrived and Josh fed us something he had cooked with ham and corn in it. It was delicious. We listended to mucic and played Monopoly, and slept and got up late and went to local shops for chicken and chips. It was so hot! We ran around the park and drenched each other in water from the tap and bubblers. It was so fun! And my thongs kept sliding off! And I felt young and pretty and full of life. I don't know why, but that day will always be with me.)

So will the day that we went to Monday dayclub and had the best time ever. We had been hanging out at Tommy's place and Ben and I were talking up a storm and laughing so bloody hard. And then we went and danced and danced and danced! And it was to songs like Watching You (Rogue Traders) and Never Say Never.

I danced so hard and so fast and did so many silly funny moves and actions with Ben. So much fun. Fit to burst with love and fun. I remember affectionately dancing around the pool table - round and round it - chasing each other and pretending not to. And standing on the tiered podiums, all in a row doing Josh's "Butt-fucking" dance move. And the time I acidently kicked Brian in the nuts! It really was an accident, I got excited when we were dancing opposite each other and I automaticaly threw in a kick, which went straight up between his legs.

Good times. Such good times. And with this distance I can learn to appreciate it again. Like Sydney - my one true love (where taking a break, but we will be together once again, oh, yes, together forever). It's all coming back. And it makes me smile. A real happiness.

Listening to Tiffany Eckhardt "Throw a Coin". And the Sundays "Can't be Sure".

Haunting Resonances

The journey into the heart of the scene. Into the centre:

The edges are frayed and fabulous! It seems a world that can only shine. Just avert your eyes from the ugly, the sad, the desperate. And the lost. They are not us. That is not now. Right now we are Kings. Gods. We sparkle. We feel alive.

Deeper in and more complex. Its patterns fascinate. Its stories captivate. Its many poetic scenes burn themselves into memory. Before long we are caught up in the flow. Moving faster and faster, time blurring, words combining. "Which time was that again?" "Who was it that said that, and where again?" "Were you there that night?" "Was that before or after ...such and such...?" "Have I met you?" "Don't you remember me...?"

You fall in love. With the centre of the scene. A bright, loyal passion. For the nightlife and its pace. For the music and the dancefloors, and the humour and the ironies. And it could contain you? It could hold you. If you could get there...

But the lights flash fast and constant. Smoke-machines obscure and augment. Optical illusions. Optical stimulus. The music pervades. The music triumphs. The music connects us, the music separates us - it is a paradox. As are the drugs - a shared transgression, a personal experience. The club a complex machine, cogs in harmony and grating discord. A complex machine designed to make you feel fabulous. To "sustain the illusion of fabulousness for a few hours till you stumble out into the sun and return to your normal boring(sic) everyday life." (Gavin)

So, walk into the centre. The heart of the scene. Come down to its crux, its core, you'll find - if your eyes are open - it is empty.

The centre is empty.

A haunting resonance.

C used to work with Fiona Mc! Long ago at the Oxford/Gilligans(?). It resounds, and I wonder that it took this long for us to discuss that. So many things blind us, deafen us, pull us in unconstructive directions. Can we put ourselves back on the path of our own choosing?

DN reached out and I wanted to understand. Not what she was saying, but what emotions she was hiding just beneath the surface. I wanted to empathise. But I couldn't find the hurt to sooth, or the doubt the dispell. I couldn't read between the lines. But JN could, and he noticed. And he listened. And he understood. And he explained to me in just a few careful, heartfelt words, what may have taken me much longer to translate. Thank you.

traffic (from Chemical Palace) flows like a tide carried by drugs and fun and hard work from the edges to the centre of the scene. Tired, empty, lonely, fragile, she emerges. The tide goes out. The storm washes away. She is left with the scars and trinkets, and a few friends still to say hello to. Galvanised. She is stronger, complicated, re-inforced, wiser, calmer - and haunted by the spectre of nostalgia.

Nothing makes you sad like the memory of being happy.

A haunting resonance. I try to come to terms with the ending of things. The fear of the blank page. The fear of being alone. Of nothing being ahead. Of never getting back to a feeling of newness and life and wonder.

Sometimes I am crushed under this nostalgia.

But Sal says I am never blank. Sal remembers life in full colour.

I think I am still learning even faster now.

Last shift for a while. I look like a China Doll. In leather, and diamontes.

I'm still me.

Plans, Ideas and Inspirations

Hey readers, how are ya? (not sure if anyone still really reads this blog, but if you do, hey, I hope you are well... not that I write it for anyone, really. I have all the entries emailed to me and I archive them, so this is really a diary and a reference for the future.)

Anyway. Back to my post.

This weekend was good. Really nice. Devi came back to Sydney! Danced and hang out with Clinton at Man Bangle. Me and Sal ran into her in the arvo and we all sat for a while talking theory and literature and life. I saw Daniel and watched a little TV, hang out with Sal for a bit, and had an excellent day at work on Saturday.

On saturday evening, I took the chance to invite Clinton out for a drink and we compared scars and got to know each other a bit better. I understand now why Devi says that Clinton is lovely - he really is!

Devi took me to a nice party in Redfern, where we ran into the bathroom like giggling school girls and got really racey! The rest is history... Not all good. My disco biscuit wasn't great. In fact, I'll definatly avoid or be very careful with them in future. I really enjoyed hanging with Devi and the boys, and a highlight was hanging with Devi in the morning. Like a star she luxuriated on the benches and chatted with me about life and love and everything while I cut the fruit.

It's a shame that I have only got to know Clinton a little bit and now he's leaving, but - just like Devi - maybe we will cross paths again in the future and impact each other's lives in a good way. You never know.

Ideas I have:

I have just joined the bifusion egroup to get involved (hopefully) in the performance workshops they are holding.

I am almost ready to put together and copy my Little Match Girl zine - which I will give to everyone who has known me through this shadowy time - then I will put it on the shelf and move on with my life to Brighter Days!

I really wanna get laid! Or go dating or meet someone or something. What's a girl to do? I'm really really really out of practise!

Spring is in the air and the party season is about to start!

Woo hoo!

Not Good Enough

Deciding that I am worth more than the life I have come to live.

It's not horrible, or anything, but it's not the path I had put myself on.

I got off track, I went onto another rail, heading to a differnt place. A place that I have never seen, and never wanted to go.

I pushed myself towards Josh in the gutter, while he was yearning to get out. I've had my time in the life of craziness, I've done deals, made ends meet, wasted my time, money, energy on dead end activity, roads that lead nowhere.

I took a holiday from myself, but I have come home, and my home is dusty, neglected, and needs work. Not just superficial fixing, a coat of paint, a new hair cut, but structural renovation. I'm unsound, unstable. I've forgotten how to be me, what I wanted, where I was going. I've disappointed myself and others.

Not good enough.

I want to paint a picture, or do a sculpture of a little match girl, 'cos that's what I have become.

I want to make a new zine.