I have been saying that last night's Kooky would be my last for a while - probably till I get back up to Sydney to live at least - and that's true. But I realised on the train on my way back to the Gong today that it runs even deeper than that.
I really enjoyed last night, and it was worth it, but I have been doing this for years, and I need a break. I'm sick of going to work tired and sore. I'm sick of spending half or more of my earned wages on the bitch during many weeks. My use goes up and down, but the more I am able to be at home, the less I use.
It is being away from home, trapsing around the city, trying to fill in hours between shifts or social events, etc, etc, that inspires it. Also certain friends that I hang out with, obviously. And the sad thing is, I do really haved to limit my time with those people, especially now.
Because
I really feel like I've had enough of this for the moment. The magic is luke-warm to me, the rewards are not worth the costs at the moment. I am working a lot now, and don't want to put in all that effort and have nothing to show. I want to achieve something financially this time! Not just scrape by, wasting heaps of unneccessary cash and just letting it go.
I need to become protective of my money for a while - at least until after Christmas. I need to keep my eyes on the prize and not let any event or occasion or person weaken my resolve. I need to work every shift I am offered, and would rather not have to do them tired or sore or coming-down.
Just as my family and some of the people I love the most discover the excitements of clubbing and substances, I am growing weary of them. Of course I still know how to have a good time, and I make the most of my night if I am out - last night's kooky was great!
But it is time for me to grow up a little and get serious for a couple of months. During this week, I had a pokies relapse, and that worries me most. I has just begun to earn money and take pride in that again, and in spending it on useful things like bills, food, etc. I don't want to erase the progress in my life, in my recovery.
So last night's Kooky was a last supper of sorts for me. I will return to the scene, you will see me on the dancefloor, and I will feel the rushes again - but not until I deserve it. Not until I have successfully completed - or at least organised and paid for - our relocation, and my new life. Until then - beers, saving, paying bills, debts, cooking, planning, working, sleeping.
And maybe some art and some writing while I'm at it, eh!
